For people who didn’t know where the hell is Jakarta, get off from your lazy ass chair and brush your teeth. Even though the name sound very magical and Erotic, Jakarta isn’t in Middle Earth, Hogwartz, or even coming out from Kama Sutra guide line. Its actually the capital of Indonesia. You don’t know Indonesia too? Its Bali you idiot. Jakarta is the most populous city in South East Asia, and the tenth-largest city in the world. This is the real city that never sleep, The Grand Daddy of them all, and also the best place to have your summer vacation. Why? Because I fucking’ live in here since I was born. How was that for reason? No, that’s not the real reason, too bias. This is the 7 reason why Jakarta is the last place on earth you still could called, PARADISE.
1. According to World Health Organization (WHO), Jakarta is the 3rd most polluted city in the world after Mexico City and Bangkok. That’s bullshit. Jakarta’s Air is clean as baby’s breath. In fact, because the air so clean, all the people who live in Jakarta decided WALKING bare naked everyday to their office or wherever else they work their asses off for minimum wage no matter how far the distance is. The picture below is the proof. There’s no other city in this planet having more sterile, sparkling and fresh air than Jakarta’s breeze. Go to Jalan Gajahmada, Jalan Tanah Abang, or Gunung Sahari every noon in workday. You’ll know what I meant.
2. New York, Los Angeles, London, Hongkong, and virtually every major cities on earth is having the same big fat fucking problem. Traffic Jam. In Jakarta, traffic jam is almost virtually non existed whatsoever. Imagine riding in your Ferrari at 250 km/h. No, not in video game. You can do it in Jakarta. Safely and calmly. Because the traffic is so relaxing, lighten, and friendly. Everybody is smiling to everybody on road. Even when you crash yourselves into someone else’s car/bike, Jakarta’s dude will nod and says its okay, people do make mistakes. The public transportation is amazing too. We called it bus Trans Jakarta. Their lines and corridor is very easy to understand, because there’s no repetition what so ever. If you want to go a little bit wilder, you can choose to using metro mini. Every single of their drivers is a stunt man. No Kidding. No place on earth like Jakarta.
3. Once again, contrary to popular belief Jakarta’s WATER is clean. Speaking of water, Jakarta’s river is very swimmable, because its unpolluted and pristine condition. If you feel hot because of the humid temperature, all you have to do is buck naked, and crash those natural pools, even in the middle of city. All the trash and factory waste is already relocated into some dirty slum called Bandung hundred kilometers south of Jakarta. You don’t have to worry about hygiene. In fact, legend says, swimming in any other part of river in Jakarta bring you a nice good luck and sometimes a big yellow chunk of money. You can drink it too, right from the source! Don’t buy all those bottled water, especially if the brand is AQUA. Its fake. The good bottled water brand is Air Accu(Air means water in Indonesian). Its really good for your health.
4. Beach. Not Bitch. Although we get to that topic later. Trust me, Jakarta’s one and only beach is the greatest beach in Indonesia. Its called Ancol. The Sand is white, the water is crystal blue clear. There’s no garbage. There’s no litter. Hot Chick everywhere. Its the Ibiza of South East Asia. Ancol.
5. Safety. Jakarta is the safest city on Earth. You can walking around the city, alone, with Rolex in your wrist, Vertu in your ear, thousands of dollar in your wallet, Armani’s jacket, Gaultier shirt, condom still hanging on your junk, and people will still nodding and smiling at you every time. You will not feel fear in this city. There’s no one will mug you. Every Police officer in Jakarta also is very dedicated person. They don’t take bribery, They never rest, and above all else, every single one of them is a model. So it will be hard for you to find some dirty, fat, smells like an anus, ugly cop.
6. Indonesia is a former Dutch Colony. So this is a great city to learn some Dutch. Even a better place than Netherland itself, because the people here is more friendly than ever. Indonesian Dutch and the real dutch is very different. Indonesian is more lethal, dangerous, bad ass, and yet touching. I give you 3 example of daily words that you can use to greet Jakarta’s citizens and can be found easily shouting off in the middle of silent traffic. Be sure to use it, because people generally will love you if you’re using their native language. “Anjing Lu”, means You’re cute like a puppy. “Goblok lu”, means You’re smarter than everyone else. “Ngentot Lu”, You’ll get laid tonight. And the phrase don’t judge the book by its cover really works in Jakarta. Like this guy in the picture below, believe it or not, even though he looks like chicken shit, he’s actually robin hood in disguise. He’s stealing all those corruptor money and give it to less fortunate people. Only in Jakarta this could happen.
7. For all the guy who will be visiting Jakarta, don’t worry about girls. Seriously, Jakarta’s is majoring in Hot Chick Department. That’s why every Miss Universe since 1998 is Indonesian, more specific, Jakartan. But for you guys who didn’t really have time to ensuing some old shitty romance, don’t worry, that’s why god create Azhari Sisters. Finding their number is easy, every pimp in Jakarta have their numbers. Foursome with sisters, how good is that???
PS : Happy Birthday!