Monthly Archives: September 2011

Schwarzenegger Greatest One Liner – Part II

This is the continuation of the most bad ass column that I’ve wrote. Like we all know, Schwarzenegger is back in action. After making California as the safest zone in the world, Schwarzenegger went out with a big BANG from his political career. And now, knowing he’s back making movies, and ready to delivered us the new chapter of big bad catchphrases, we know that the world isnt going to end because of that mayan apocalypse prediction. because Schwarzenegger will save us!

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“Relax, You’ll Live Longer”, from Total Recall

So, after ignoring some douche in Mars Checkpoint using a transvestite technology and witnessing the most convincing triple fake boobs ever, Schwarzenegger running to the next floor, ready to unleash his big bang to the love of his dream. And then, some random mutant with a face like chicken shit touch his shoulder trying to stop and intimidate him. After a quick glance and realizing that this mutant isn’t worth the kills, Schwarzenegger says “Relax, You’ll live Longer”, to him. that is the most subtle threat that I’ve heard in a movie, for like, EVER. That thick Austrian Accent is really sounded like a death threat that comes from the angel of death itself! Just Look at the video for god sake!

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“Hey Killian. Here’s Sub-Zero. Now Plain Zero”, from The Running Man

Well know, the entire premise of The Running Man is a Parody. You don’t hunt Schwarzenegger.  Schwarzenegger is hunting you. Look at what happen to that pussy face in Predator who spend almost 40 minutes trying to getting up close and personal with Schwarzenegger. The Running Man make matters worse. They put wrong conviction to Arnold Character. Its like putting some Jack Daniels into the already burning girls tampon. So in the movie, after participating in the Running Man contest, Schwarzenegger is hunted by the first barbarian stalker, codename Sub Zero. After spending 5 minutes running away trying to be a pacifier, Suddenly, Schwarzenegger stop and think. “Wait a minute. Why in the blue hell I’m running from that fat ass asshole. I’m Arnold Fucking Schwarzenegger!”.  So, he stop and killed that dick face. After that, he smile to the camera, and saying’ “hey Killian. Here’s Sub-Zero. Now Plain Zero!”. What a line….

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“What killed the dinosaurs? The Ice Age!”, from Batman and Robin

Again? Really? Yes, Batman and Robin definitely is the best Batman Movie ever. Now, believe it or not, this one liner is truly a godlike prophecy. Up Until 2004, there’s wasn’t really any theory existed about ice age killed put Dinosaurs in a holocaust era. Batman and Robin comes out in 1997. Amazing.

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“Money doesn’t make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million”, from his real world persona

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“How many times do you get away with this – to take a woman, grab her upside down and bury her face in a toilet bowl? The thing is you can do it, because, in the end, I didn’t do it to a woman – she’s a machine. We could get away with it without being crucified by who knows what group”, From his interview about his movie fight with a women terminator in Terminator 3

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“Speaking of acting, one of my movies was called True Lies (1994). It’s what the Democrats should have called their convention”, from his real world persona

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“I didn’t think about money. I thought about the fame, about just being the greatest. I was dreaming about being some dictator of a country or some savior like Jesus”, from his real world persona

 

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Jakarta is the Greatest City in the World

For people who didn’t know where the hell is Jakarta, get off from your lazy ass chair and brush your teeth. Even though the name sound very magical and Erotic, Jakarta isn’t in Middle Earth, Hogwartz, or even coming out from Kama Sutra guide line. Its actually the capital of Indonesia. You don’t know Indonesia too? Its Bali you idiot. Jakarta is the most populous city in South East Asia, and the tenth-largest city in the world. This is the real city that never sleep, The Grand Daddy of them all, and also the best place to have your summer vacation. Why? Because I fucking’ live in here since I was born. How was that for reason? No, that’s not the real reason, too bias. This is the 7 reason why Jakarta is the last place on earth you still could called, PARADISE.

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1.  According to World Health Organization (WHO), Jakarta is the 3rd most polluted city in the world after Mexico City and Bangkok. That’s bullshit. Jakarta’s Air is clean as baby’s breath. In fact, because the air so clean, all the people who live in Jakarta decided WALKING bare naked everyday to their office or wherever else they work their asses off for minimum wage no matter how far the distance is. The picture below is the proof. There’s no other city in this planet having more sterile, sparkling and fresh air than Jakarta’s breeze. Go to Jalan Gajahmada, Jalan Tanah Abang, or Gunung Sahari every noon in workday. You’ll know what I meant.

Breath of Fresh air Indeed

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2. New York, Los Angeles, London, Hongkong, and virtually every major cities on earth is having the same big fat fucking problem. Traffic Jam. In Jakarta, traffic jam is almost virtually non existed whatsoever. Imagine riding in your Ferrari at 250 km/h. No, not in video game. You can do it in Jakarta. Safely and calmly. Because the traffic is so relaxing, lighten, and friendly. Everybody is smiling to everybody on road. Even when you crash yourselves into someone else’s car/bike, Jakarta’s dude will nod and says its okay, people do make mistakes. The public transportation is amazing too. We called it bus Trans Jakarta. Their lines and corridor is very easy to understand, because there’s no repetition what so ever. If you want to go a little bit wilder, you can choose to using metro mini. Every single of their drivers is a stunt man. No Kidding. No place on earth like Jakarta.

Everyday sight of Jakarta's Traffic

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 3. Once again, contrary to popular belief Jakarta’s WATER is clean. Speaking of water, Jakarta’s river is very swimmable, because its unpolluted and pristine condition. If you feel hot because of the humid temperature, all you have to do is buck naked, and crash those natural pools, even in the middle of city. All the trash and factory waste is already relocated into some dirty slum called Bandung hundred kilometers south of Jakarta. You don’t have to worry about hygiene. In fact, legend says, swimming in any other part of river in Jakarta bring you a nice good luck and sometimes a big yellow chunk of money. You can drink it too, right from the source! Don’t buy all those bottled water, especially if the brand is AQUA. Its fake. The good bottled water brand is Air Accu(Air means water in Indonesian). Its really good for your health.

 

Jakarta’s river

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4. Beach. Not Bitch. Although we get to that topic later. Trust me, Jakarta’s one and only beach is the greatest beach in Indonesia. Its called Ancol. The Sand is white, the water is crystal blue clear. There’s no garbage. There’s no litter. Hot Chick everywhere. Its the Ibiza of South East Asia. Ancol.

Ancol

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5. Safety. Jakarta is the safest city on Earth.  You can walking around the city, alone, with Rolex in your wrist, Vertu in your ear, thousands of dollar in your wallet, Armani’s jacket, Gaultier shirt, condom still hanging on your junk, and people will still nodding and smiling at you every time. You will not feel fear in this city. There’s no one will mug you. Every Police officer in Jakarta also is very dedicated person. They don’t take bribery, They never rest, and above all else, every single one of them is a model. So it will be hard for you to find some dirty, fat, smells like an anus, ugly cop.

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6. Indonesia is a former Dutch Colony. So this is a great city to learn some Dutch. Even a better place than Netherland itself, because the people here is more friendly than ever. Indonesian Dutch and the real dutch is very different. Indonesian is more lethal, dangerous, bad ass, and yet touching. I give you 3 example of daily words that you can use to greet Jakarta’s citizens and can be found easily shouting off in the middle of silent traffic. Be sure to use it, because people generally will love you if you’re using their native language. “Anjing Lu”, means You’re cute like a puppy. “Goblok lu”, means You’re smarter than everyone else. “Ngentot Lu”, You’ll get laid tonight. And the phrase don’t judge the book by its cover really works in Jakarta. Like this guy in the picture below, believe it or not, even though he looks like chicken shit, he’s actually robin hood in disguise. He’s stealing all those corruptor money and give it to less fortunate people. Only in Jakarta this could happen.

Gayus Tambunan, the most famous "hero"

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7. For all the guy who will be visiting Jakarta, don’t worry about girls.  Seriously, Jakarta’s is majoring in Hot Chick Department. That’s why every Miss Universe since 1998 is Indonesian, more specific, Jakartan. But for you guys who didn’t really have time to ensuing some old shitty romance, don’t worry, that’s why god create Azhari Sisters. Finding their number is easy, every pimp in Jakarta have their numbers. Foursome with sisters, how good is that???

PS : Happy Birthday!

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4 Contemporary Artist That Successfully “Defining and Re-invented” Their Genre

Below is the list of 6 current mainstream artist that make their respective genre more interesting, brilliant, and innovative than ever. Every new artist that born after these guys, sure got a big hell of shoes to fill in to, because nobody make music more relevant than these guys. Nobody pioneering Music like these guys. And hell, I can safely say, they are The Best There Is, The Best There Was and The Best There Ever Will Be.

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POP SCENE, JUSTIN BIEBER.

He is the first artist to have seven songs from a debut album chart on the Billboard Hot 100. He’s winning Artist of the Year at the 2010 American Music Awards, and being nominated for Best New Artist and Best Pop Vocal Album at the 53rd Grammy Awards. His 3D biopic-concert film Justin Bieber: Never Say Never – had an opening weekend gross that nearly matched the record for the biggest opening weekend for a concert-film. He’s guest starring at CSI as “troubled teen who is faced with a difficult decision regarding his only brother”(Even though his character is killed, an inside rumor says that he will be resurrected twenty years later as a Nazi bounty Hunter, animal lover, Rapper and Superboy in CSI:Middle of Nowhere, the gazillionth spin off from CSI Franchise). He had mega superstar Oscar winning actresses like Kim Kardashian or multiple Grammy award winners Selena Gomez,  as his fuck Buddy. Nobody is bigger than this guy today. I don’t know why a lot of people(especially all the loser geek in the Internet) trash this kid. Probably because they’re jealous of him, but come on guys, listen carefully to all his songs and give him a break. Trust me you will change the meaning of the word Masterpiece to Justin Bieber. His most popular hits, BABY, is a million times better version than Duran Duran’s Hungry Like a Wolf. His version of Somebody to love is nothing like Queen’s Somebody to Love. If nothing means more beautiful, catchy, and more sparkling. And don’t forget his exceptional debut album. My World 2.0. What a brilliant matrix way to name an album.

Bieber in his CSI Cameo, 20 years from now

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ROCK/METAL SCENE, Avril Lavigne

Janis Joplin, Alanis Morissette, Aretha Franklin, Joan Jett, Tina Turner, Patti Smith is nothing compared Avril. Do you think I’m bullshiting? Avril voices a character in Over the Hedge animated film, Avril had her own brand of perfume called Black Star and Forbidden Rose, and check this, She’s Marriaged to the lead singer of greatest rock band in the World SUM 41, and making a baffling soundtrack for Tim Burton Greatest Movie, Alice in Wonderland. How’s that for a bullshit huh? But all those godly achievement is nothing compared to her musical talent. Complicated, arguably her most famous song, is amazing. Every time I hear and watch the Music Video, its like listening to Enter the Sandman and Stairway to Heaven in one Package. But Avril never gives up. She keep surpassing her previous magnificent songs. With songs like Girlfriend, Sk8ter B0i,My Happy Ending, she became Osama Bin Laden most favorite singer(The tatoo in Bin Laden right arm when his body being autopsy is Avril’s name). Especially after the single What the Hell is came out. Its the MAGNUM OPUS of Music Industry. There are even a few music critiques in the Ethiophia(The country where earliest homo sapiens remains found) comparing the single with The Last Judgement in Sistine Chapel. Say goodbye to Metallica, Jimi Hendrix, U2, Led Zeppelin. This is Avril Lavigne’s Era.

Avril's Tatoo on Bin Laden's right arm.

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JAZZ SCENE, Michael Buble

He is the true Crooner of our planet. Frank Sinatra, Andy Williams, Bobby Darin, Nat King Cole should be proud  just to be standing in the same stage as this guy, the Legendary Michael Buble. “Why? All those guys wasn’t really a Jazz singer anyway”. Oh, Miles Davis, Charlie Parker, Lester Young, Glenn Miller should be ashamed too. Because Michael Buble will be the only name who can mix the most complicated/unorthodox/improvise/dazzling jazz tunes with easy peachy Jazz Lounge style. And instead living the years dangerously like all those maestro did, Buble making millions of dollar from his career. Someday, when people start associating jazz with Michael Buble is the day where rainbow is deficating unicorn.

Michael Buble in early careers

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R&B/HIP HOP SCENE, Black Eye Peas

If I had to choose who’s the most talented god gifted songwriters ever grace this planet, Black Eye Peas is in the top of my list. Their song ” I Gotta A Feeling” is a true art. The repetition of the chorus ‘tonight’s gonna be a good night’ for roughly a minute and a half is amazingly creative. Auto-tune, rhyming the same word with itself (“Up” and “Up”), naming days of the week, all those Einstein stuff is also can be found in that song. And eventually, it became the first song in digital history to sell over 7 million digital copies in the United States, the most downloaded song on iTunes in Australia since 2006, and spent consecutive weeks atop the Billboard Hot 100, the longest-running number-one single of 2009. I’m happy to see that majority of people finally knows and acknowledged what real music is all about. Finally! Even lame artist like Radiohead, or Daft Punk is admitting that they’re stealing from Black Eye Peas.

Their Greatest Dance

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Why Any Movie from Twilight Series is Better than Inception

  • The Plot : Inception plot is a heist in a dream. Kinda like Heat meets The City of the Lost Children. Boring.  Twilight series is all about high school forbidden jackass love story involving Vampire and Human, with timeless classic conflict between Vampire and Werewolf on the side. Amazing, awesome and brilliant. Nobody wrote this kind of story before. Epic!
  • The Cast : While Inception is filled with bunch of B-Class unknown actor/actresses like Leonardo DiCaprio, Ken Watanabe, Michael Caine, Tom Harding, Joseph Gordon Levitt, Marion Contillard, Cillian Murphy, Ellen Page, or even Tom Berenger, Twilight series is packed with a lot of future Oscar nominees laying all over the place. For instance Robert Pattinson, the main star. He even got his own wax statue at Madame Tussauds museum and nominated for BBC Radio 1 Teen Awards,  in Best Dressed and Best Actor Category. Kristen Stewart is extraordinary expressive with her performance in all twilight movies. Some people even said that she is the young Meryl Streep. And don’t forget Tyler Lautner, the future Slyvester Stallone. Nobody, I meant nobody had a triple A class acting and body in the same page as this guy. The rest of the cast is as powerful as the main cast. The talented screamer Dakota Fanning, Spiderman’sGirlfriend Bryce Dallas Howard or the greatest young star ever, Peter Facinelli. I shit you not, I’m not making up all of this. Go ahead and watch all the twilight series in the cinema. Nobody screamed like a mad man everytime DiCaprio or Gordon Levitt shows their nose in the screen. But everytime Pattinson or Lautner showing off their asses, a little bit of peck, or hair nose, everybody screamed and hysteric, like Tyranosaurus suddenly pop up out of nowhere.
  • While Inception had a TOTEM as the bridge between all the scene, twilight had Vampire Skin which could glows when exposed in the sun. Exceptional and very beautiful ideas.
  • Action Scene. Inception is 148 minutes long. When the 148 hits the mark, people already getting bored with all the monolog in it, with no single action scene can be found in those 148 minutes. Every Twilight movies is overflowing with manly, macho, godzilla fighting scene. Even though the tag line is like a chick movie, Twilight series actually is Rambo in disguise. There’s even a scene where Robert Pattinson pick up an entire gang of werewolf, one by one, samurai style. A Tribute to Rambo and Seven Samurai.
  • Inception is concepted by Christopher Nolan. His work before Inception is Memento, Insomnia, Batman Begins, The Prestige, and the Dark Knight, nobody  watch all those pretentious shit. Twilight is written by Stephanie Myers. Meyer was the biggest selling author of both 2008 and 2009, having sold over 29 million books in 2008 alone,with Twilight being the best-selling book of the year.She sold an additional 26.5 million books in 2009, making her the first author to achieve this feat in that year.Meyer was ranked #49 on Time magazine’s list of the “100 Most Influential People in 2008”,and was also included in the Forbes Celebrity 100 list of the world’s most powerful celebrities in 2009, entering at #26. Her annual earnings exceeded $50 million.Also in 2010, Forbes ranked her as the #59 most powerful celebrity with annual earnings of $40 million. That enough to guarantee the quality of the script right?

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